Thursday, September 4, 2008

Possible Adoptee Fears

From the 1994 NY Triad Conference:

Possible Adoptee Fears

1. That they will find their birth mother deceased.

2. That they will be rejected.

3. That their adoptive parents will be devastated and not understand why they are searching and that he/she will not be able to share with them or will be rejected by them.

4. That they are a secret and their birth mother will not acknowledge their existence to herself or her family.

5. That they will not meet the expectations of their birth mother.

6. That the birth family will be needy.

7. That the birth mother will not be truthful.

8. That the birth mother will not understand his/her life problems.

9. That the timing or method of contact will not be right.

10. That they will hurt their adoptive or birth family by saying the wrong thing.

11. That they will find out negative things about their birth and surrender.

12. That they will have to give up their fantasies.

Whilst wandering blogland I happened across a comment on what, I believe, was a PAP blog. The commenter said they "wouldn't read any [adoptee] blogs either".

Typical head-in-the-sand behaviour, I thought, and moved on.

But, like a song you can't get out of your head, her comment festered until I had to return, hell-bent on ripping her a new orifice.

I did modify my response a little when it occurred to me that the vast majority of adoptee blogs I've read are, in fact, authored by adoptees who have experienced or are experiencing one or more of the feared outcomes listed above. I'm not sure if any (either) of the happy-adoptee blogs I've found are actually authored by real adoptees. They could be. Hell, my adoptive brother is still heavily fogged at 44 years old. Happy AP and PAP blogs abound, almost no happy adoptee blogs, unhappy adoptee and first mother blogs everywhere. In this anonymous age of the internet where everyone can post their true feelings, what does that say about the "triad" of adoption experience? That only complainers are vocal? I think not, just listen to the AP's.


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